User blog:SketchNebula/Thank you.
You know how moody and easily depressed and angered I was? How it's almost the end of my birthday and lots of things happened? Well... I'm almost to the final step of overcoming my depression and anger. Starting from this morning, I was extremely depressed. Like, I wanted to curl in a ball and lay under the blankets all day, not even caring that it was my birthday. I just couldn't stop thinking about how my life is not going to be anything good after I'm sent off to the "real world". It's been like that in my head a lot for the past month, I just never really talked to anyone about it because I was scared I'd worry/stress people and be seen as only "attention-seeking," since, knowing me, I would have almost said it in main because I just don't know who to run to. I trust many, many people, but I just don't want to make it seem as if I'm just using them to get my sentimental feelings out of my system. In the afternoon, Aubrey ( my godsister ) and my godmother were cleaning my godmother's room, but I got the sudden urge to go in the bathroom, look into the mirror, and stare at the reflection. It was almost as if I was in a movie at that time, and trust me, it was nostalgic. I remember shutting the door and seeing nothing but the reflection of who I have become. I was slowly realizing, after rolling up my sleeves to look through the mirror at all of the faint scars and almost washed-off butterflies, that I can change. I am capable of anything that requires my participation. No one is in control of what I feel or how words mean to me. I thought of the physics, how Quantum Mechanics is in all of our hands. We could change the entire world just by one measly decision. Imagination? Of course! I have lots of it! Skat! Violet! And Scarlet, too! Simon isn't real in our world yet! Neither is Cipher! Or Ken! They aren't in control of me! Even if I have blacked out several times to minor injuries done by them! I can fix it! It's not about the labels that I am thrown at; Confused? Haha! I'm confused as to why you think I'm confused, that's for sure. Weird? Duh! That's what makes me fun to be around. Worthless? No way! I'm made of fucking stardust, dude! This is what turned that switch inside Rene's dark mind to shine the light. This is what made me smile non-stop until the time comes for me to write this. That evening, I went with my godmother and Aubrey to the store and a few other places. I remember when we made our final stop to my house, I came back and Aubrey was crying. She was broken into tears. As wrong as I may have been, I asked a few times of what happened. She did ended up telling me, and that's when I started to think more and more. All of this time and effort to be who I'm not. All of this time that I wasted for people who treated me like I was only garbage. All of this time that I would rather have been dead than alive and well. I was tearing up, but I was smiling. I was heartbroken. I was abandoned. I was hurt. I was guilty. I was ashamed. I was scared. I was self-reluctant. I was wrong. I was right. I was happy. I was satisfied. I was relieved. I was content. I AM happy. I AM satisfied. I AM relieved. I AM content. I have won the war. I'm free. I was crying. Even now, I'm crying. Out of all the fourteen years I have lived on this earth, I never would have thought that I would be this strong enough to go through everything that I was. I don't have a first or last time of being depressed or filled with heat and anger, but I will remind myself of this day. I used to always wish to be the one who never smiles, never express happiness, never be happy at all. I loved pain, it was something that I gotten used to in which got me addicted. Now... God, this feeling. It's amazing. I really just wanted to thank everyone in my life. You all have really saved me and I don't know how I could ever return the favor. I don't even think "thank you" is a strong enough phrase, not even "very much". So I say... Thank you. Category:Blog posts